I've reached a crossroads in my life.
The truth is that I've been standing at this crossroad for quite a while and have no idea which way to go. Without going into too much detail, I'll say that I had a bit of a rough time in college. I was in a dark place and I wound up leaving thousands of dollars in debt with no degree to show for it. The only thing I knew for sure was that one day, I wanted to be a cop. It was and still is my dream job. But I knew that I had a lot of healing and training to do before I could do anything about it.
So, while I was pulling myself back together and trying to move forward, I got myself a job. It was a call center job and my first full time position. It was also the first time that I made enough money to support myself and I loved the independence. That was pretty much the only thing I liked about the job. Working at a customer relations call center is not a pleasant experience. I basically hated being on the phones, so I volunteered for anything and everything that would get me off of them. With ambition and a lot of luck, I've wound up in a new position where I have no direct contact with our customers. I'm on a new team and working with great people. My job may be pretty boring right now, but its evolving into something more. I've spoken to my new boss and it seems like she's got a plan for me. This could be the start of a career if I want it to be.
And there in lies my dilemma. I could make a career where I am. I could have a nice desk job where I would have a stable schedule working week days. I'd probably never have to work another holiday and I'd get plenty of vacation time to fulfill my dream of traveling the world. I could probably even be happy doing it...Or I could take a chance to pursue the career that gave me hope when I needed something to make me believe that my life would get better again. I may not be back to 100% after college; the truth is that I may never be. But after everything that happened, I'm a lot stronger now than I was before. If I really made the decision to, I could get myself in shape and actually pursue becoming a police officer.
If that goes the way I hope, I could wind up with a career that means more to me than just earning a paycheck. I could be helping people and serving my community. Yes, I'd be working a generally thankless job that is becoming more hated every day, but I'd also have a career that challenged me physically, mentally, and emotionally. That may not sound great to everyone, but its exactly the type of thing I'm looking for. I also think I'd be really good at it. Or...I could wind up bored and/or traumatized because cops are more likely to see the worst of people than most others.
I may be young and naive like everyone else my age...but I have been trying to be more mature. Sometimes your dreams don't work out the way you wanted. Sometimes you get an idealized version of something in your head and when you actually get it, it sucks. I could take a chance at becoming a police officer and wind up more unhappy with my job than I am now. And if I ever leave the path I'm on now, there's no guarantee I could come back if things don't work out.
I could stay where I am and maybe be happy, or I could take a chance on something new and maybe be happy. Sometimes I wish I knew how things would turn out so I would know what to do. I don't really expect to get any answers or advice because I wrote this. I just needed to write it. I've never really talked about or admitted to myself why I've never seriously pursued a career in law enforcement. I figure, if I put this out in the world, it might give me the kick in the ass that I need to finally make a decision.