I'm not gonna go into too much detail here because, frankly, it's nobody's business but mine and the other people involved. But there is something important that I want to say.
For the last few months I've been in a really bad situation with one of my friends. There are decisions they've been making that I haven't agreed with, and I didn't know how to talk to them. Rather than dealing with it, I shut down. Because that is what I always do when I'm feeling uncomfortable in a situation or I don't know what to do. I watched while things escalated and spun out of control, and I never said anything to my friend. I let them cut me out because I couldn't make myself just have a conversation with them.
But I did plan a lot of conversations. Every time I was feeling hurt or angry or sad, I planned out conversations I could have with them where I told them exactly what I was thinking and made them feel just as bad as I was. I will never be able to say how grateful I am that I never actually said those things, but there are other things I should have said.
I should have told them that I cared what happened and that I wanted to help. I should have told them that it hurt every time it felt like they were ignoring my existence, and that I wanted to repair our friendship. Because the truth is that there was a time I counted this person as one of my closest friends, and I miss them. But I never said a word.
I told everyone else that I was angry and just done with them, but I think I was trying to convince myself of that more than my friends. It's a lot easier to be angry than it is to admit that you're hurt or sad.
Tonight, I actually did talk to my friend. I won't say how we started the conversation because it's a bit complicated and not entirely my story to tell. I will say that it was the first time I've told them any of the things that I've been thinking lately. I told them how worried I've been and some of the reason why. I explained that I knew it was a mistake to shut down on them and that I shouldn't have let them cut me out. I made sure they knew that I am here for them. Whatever they need, I want to help them.
This didn't magically fix everything between us. We've got a long way to go before we're really okay again, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust them the same way I used to. It's not in my nature to just forgive and forget. Forgiveness I can handle, but forgetting is something I've never been able to manage.
But I feel like this conversation did get us to a point where we can at least start to move towards a better place. I might be wrong. They could be thinking right now that I've stuck my nose in where it doesn't belong and I should just mind my own business, but I don't think so. I think this is the first healthy conversation we've had in a long time.
I didn't mention how hurt I've been feeling. Mostly because this really wasn't the night for it. Maybe someday we will have that conversation. But, for now, I think we're in a much better place, and it gives me hope for the future.
Sorry if this has been long and rambley. I'm pretty tired, and I'll probably fall asleep immediately after posting this. But I wanted to get this thought out before I went to sleep because it's important.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you're avoiding someone you care about because you don't know how to talk to them. If there is a conversation you keep having in your head, and it's haunting you. The best thing you can do is make yourself sit down with them and have the conversation. Nothing you say is gonna come out perfectly and sometimes you won't know the right words to explain what you're feeling. But nothing you say during and honest and respectful conversation can be worse than just letting it all fester.