Don't you hate it when your internet mysteriously stops working? That has been my day.
Hence posting this less than 2 hours before the day ends.
The upside is that I used my frustrating time offline productively. My apartment hasn't been this clean in a really long time.
While I'm normally not a fan of cleaning, there is something cathartic about spending a day clearing the trashing out of your apartment and scrubbing away all the stains.
The other nice part about cleaning is that it really doesn't take much thought, so you can spend your time thinking about other things. And boy do I have a lot to think about. I recently had my 25th birthday and one thing that has become clear to me is that I need to start making real decisions about my future. I've spent the last three years saying that I want to pursue a job in law enforcement and then doing nothing about it. If that's something I really want for my life, I need to start working on it now. I also need to decide if it's really the right thing for me. It's all well and good to have the abstract idea that law enforcement is the right path for me; its a whole other thing to evaluate if the realities of the job mesh with what I need from life.
When I first decided I wanted to be a police officer, I was deep into a cycle of depression that had me feeling shut down most of the time. It was nice to dream about a career that I could give my whole life to because I didn't really have much in my life. Over time, I've gotten a lot better at dealing with my depression and building a life in spite of it. I'm feeling more connected with my friends again and (as evidenced by this website) I'm getting into some really interesting and time consuming hobbies. On top of that, some of my friends and I are planning to get into producing podcasts soon. I'm sure I could still do all those things as a police officer, but it would be a lot easier with a career that doesn't take over my whole life. Plus, seeing as much of the world as I can is definitely going to be part of my future.
There is also the fact that, as a police officer, there is a 100% chance that I will be exposed to things that make my depression worse. Recent experiences with one of my friends has really illustrated that, while I am better at managing my depression, there are things that make me feel a lot worse. It's been a lot harder lately, and that is in no small part because I'm dealing with this thing happening to my friend. I keep telling myself that it would be easier as a police officer because the people I would be helping wouldn't be my friends, so I could just leave it all behind when I get home for the day. But, if I'm being honest, I'm not really the type to let things go just because I've clocked out. I'm not saying people with depression can't be police officers. I'm not even saying I can't be a police officer. I'm just starting to think that there are healthier options for me.
I'm also about to get a long awaited promotion at work. Its a bit shallow to say, but the paycheck that's gonna come with it definitely makes it more tempting to stay. Plus, my job is getting less boring lately. I'm spending less time doing data entry, and that's pretty nice. Our new senior director is all about automation and making sure people get to do more valuable work, so I may eventually get to stop doing data entry entirely. Maybe if I spend some time where I'm at, learning how to be a really good analyst, I can eventually move into being an analyst for law enforcement.
I've also been thinking about going back to school for the first time since I left university. I didn't want to go back until I had a real reason to. It seemed pretty pointless to go back to complete any random degree I could, just to say I had. Something I've been thinking about lately is finding an online psychology program. The more I learn about it, the more interesting psychology is to me. Plus, I feel like that degree would make me a better analyst. I could also use it to be a victim's advocate, or maybe get into counseling.
For now, I'm thinking of sticking with the job I have at least until I've finished a degree. Then, I'll figure it out from there.
The only thing I know absolutely, for certain, is that I am here to help people. It's my purpose on this Earth. I've spent my whole life trying to find the best way for me to do that. I know I've changed my mind a lot, but also I know I'll eventually figure it out.
These are the things I think about when I have an unexpected day devoid of internet-related distractions...guess it's probably a good thing I couldn't figure out how to fix it.